A letter I’ll probably never send

Luckily I have the person blocked everywhere so they couldn’t read this if I decide not to send (most likely)

You were my best friend. You ARE my best friend. I miss you with every part of my body. I can’t dare face you dealing with what you’re going through. Maybe I’m the weak one, because I can’t be around for it or maybe you’re the weak one for letting yourself go through it. Maybe I left because not only the stigma of your situation, but because through it I realized how unworthy I was to you. You’ve ALWAYS made me feel like less of a person our entire friendship.

But, I’m weak now. I miss you. We always had a special bond that no one could ever get in between but then you started denying our friendship to your boyfriend and that fucking hurt. I know that we are not our family but when your mom said such a horrible things to me it was as if she had been holding it in our whole friendship. My mom has never been the biggest fan of you either but she would NEVER say something like that to someone who is two times younger than her. She valued you because I valued you but she always reminded me to have some precaution.

I guess our friendship was cursed from the beginning because it hasn’t gone according to plan since the 7th grade. You have always made me feel less, since I remember. I just hope that somewhere on this narrow road you are taking you are making yourself feel like more. I finally learned to stand up for myself even though I want to come back to you begging for you back because there are certain things that I feel I need to tell you I can’t let you back in because I finally stood up for myself. Am I being prideful or I am being strong? I don’t fucking know. I wish I did. It would make me messaging you with an “I miss you. Come back” so much easier. BUT I can’t and I won’t. For now, at least.

I’ll end it on this, Thanks for being my best friend while you were. I experienced all my first with you and you held such an important part of making me grow into the adult I am now. Thanks for being someone to go through it with, but I’ve learned those people aren’t meant to stay all the time. They’re just there so you’re not alone while growing up and learning new things. I love you. I always have and I always will.

 

 

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