This needs to be said

If you think people that talk about mental health are only begging for attention, you are the problem.

I am so tired of people mental health shaming. I see post all day saying how if you are open about having a mental issue that you are just looking for attention and someone that really had that problem would be too scared to announce it to the world. If you really believe that, you are the problem. I’ve suffered with depression, anxiety, and PTSD for a good part of my life. You’re right. Usually I don’t run around parading it but I also do share my story when I know it could help someone or damn it might even just be to talk about something i’m dealing with to help myself understand it more. There is no rule book to mental health issues. Everyone is a different type of person and therefore everyone reacts differently with the symptoms they have.

Sometimes I can’t get out of bed but I talk about it so that the person that feels the same despair but is quiet about it knows they aren’t alone. Sometimes I have intense panic attacks where I think that I am dying and there is no way out of my impeding death and I share that so people who feel the same urgency but are quiet about it know that both of our reasons to panic are most likely not going to happen even if we feel it in the core of ourselves when our body is shaking and we cant breathe.

No, anxiety or depression isn’t fucking cute but there is a HUGE difference in glorifying it and making aware of people who struggle with its every day troubles. Remember that the next time you tell someone they should be quiet about their mental health. Next time you shrug off your employees need for a mental health day but let your other employee be gone because they have a broken arm. I’ve had a broken arm and I’ve had panic attacks where I think my death is coming that very minute and I would rather have a million broken arms than think I am going to die over and over again. That’s what anxiety feels like. Some crazy unlikely thing is going to happen and there is no way to avoid it.

It’s like your mind is a hell and the only escape is the few seconds a day when you get a breath of fresh air. I would not wish the things I have felt on my worst enemy. So please PLEASE stop shrugging them off. PLEASE stop thinking people are just grasping for attention. You know why? Because they are grasping for attention. Not in a “I’m cute look at me” way. In a “please help me escape my inevitable death” way. The more you understand that the more you will understand the person you care abouts reason for telling you they are hurting.

She would always show us her dreams they were crumpled up like leaves from holding on too tight

There’s beauty in the pain, can you see it?

Crushed dreams are worth as much as shredded classified documents. Sprinkled on your life as a reminder that you failed. You can desire something as much as humanly possible but if you don’t have the will and the action to take upon your dreams, they will be discarded like last months magazine. Your proof isn’t in your bright eyes or your smile when you think about your dream. It’s in your aching feet and in your scarred hands.

Dreams are a call to action not a hint of hope. Hope is healthy for the heart when you think you won’t make it anymore but motivation is what causes you to never need hope again. You’ll never be in a position where you need hope if you are doing what it takes to get past it. Hope is a milestone after you hit rock bottom. Faith is what takes you the rest of the way. Faith in yourself. That the dreams you have had can’t be ruined by someone who doesn’t think you can accomplish them because they weren’t capable of accomplishing their own desires.

Take the hope you get when you’re a writhering plant, believe in yourself, and water yourself daily so you can be as strong as you were before all of the nastiness of the world infected your views of yourself and your accomplisments.

You’re the opposite of everything you stand for.¬†

Your patience, it’s worn thin. You hate yourself.

That’s okay dear, all the truth you need is right here.

Look really closely, try to find it in your soul.

I know it’s hard but if you concentrate you might see you’re just filled with hate.

What you project unto the world is what you project everyday into your heart.

Poor blackened heart, I hope one day you rot and put that disgusting soul where it came from. No hope, just dirt. 

Hope is in the sun rising

You were my hope but now all the hope I have is in watching the sun rise to remind me I am still alive

I’m happy right now. I get like that sometimes. Happy. For no god damn reason. It’s almost as if my body is trying to remind me that I am still alive. That I still have some remnant of hope and motivation in my exhausted body.

I stayed up watching Sons of Anarchy and time got away from me commonly how the ¬†consumer is to a machine. That’s all I did these days. Watch this show about a biker gang to keep my mind in the consistent loop to make sure from breaking and having to face reality. Weird mindless tricks to keep me alive. It’s 7 am or it’s gotta be sometime around then because the sun is breaking through the trees. I’m watching this sunrise and trying to capture this in my mind perfectly. That will never work so I took some real pictures, too.

Sometimes I hope these cigarettes will last forever. This moment is too good. Red hot chili peppers, a windy morning, and the sun rising over these trees and the treehouse so precisely that it could be painted. I wish I could paint. I would paint this view perfectly. Maybe I would even add me sitting here, smiling in contentment with this half lit cigarette in between my worn fingers.

This moment is perfectly imperfect and thats what I live for. If I could add sound with my picture just like the painted waterfall that used to make noise in my grandma’s living room I would play the distant airplane and the faint music that is inspiring me to be a better human being.

I often times have a love/hate relationship with this world I was thrown on without a manual, but right now in this exact moment I fucking love this shitty world I was born on.

To the friend I will never forget

and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could. Everyones caught on to everything you do.

It took me three months to get more close to you than people that have known each other for years. I saw all your flaws, scars, and strengths. Don’t ever think I’m exaggerating when I say I love you. When I say I adore you. I fell in love with everything you hated about yourself.

 

You were not too broken for me. Do not ever think that. You were just too toxic for me.You amazed me in a sense because I know how persuasive and manipulative I can be if I choose to be and you did it every day without even thinking twice about it. You were powerful almost like a goddess. You took your negative and turned it into demons. You created your own demons and you laughed as they lit everything around you on fire. You scared me how could do that with such assurance. I never gave up on you, I never will. I just distanced myself because of how similar we are. Sometimes I fantasize watching the world burn around me, although I chose a long time ago to change my negatives into motivation. Maybe I’m less corageous than you or maybe I believe in the balance of earth and don’t think I need my negatives to ruin me. You’re a beautiful mistreated soul and I pray to my gods one day you will heal. If it counts for anything you’re the type of girl people like me write about that no one really thinks exist.

The day that I stopped finding everything about you so damn mesmerizing

Your scars don’t mean anything to me anymore

It was a new day. Being techincal of course because it was exactly 1:17 AM when your eyes stopped sparkling so bright to me. There was no spectacular event that brought this to my attention. It was a regular night. Often something comes to my mind, flickers, and then shuts off. The thought is a day dream of being treated correctly. It feels like such a distant fantasy that someone could really care for me as much as I care for people.

 

@ 1:12 AM I realized your hands no longer radiate warm colors like burnt orange because they never held mine with passion to brand your fingerprints into mine.

@ 1:13 AM I discovered your freckles and scars weren’t an outline to a puzzle. They were just insignificant dots.

@ 1:14 AM I noticed your cheeks weren’t faintly pink from non-stop giggling because of how silly we could be with each other.

@ 1:15 AM I became aware that your jaw never dropped in awe as if you were curious of how someone could be so beautiful.

@ 1:16 AM I figured out your nails were never slightly overgrown because you spent too much time with me that you lost touch of reality.

@ 1:17 AM I made sense of why your eyes became so dim to me. It’s because I looked in the mirror and I found that my hands radiated warmth. My freckles and scars told stories that one day I could share with someone. My cheeks were always pink I always find a reason to laugh. My jaw dropped everyday because I look around and see how beautiful this chaotic world is. My nails were always overgrown because there are always more important issues at bay. In that moment, my eyes sparkled because I had to fall in love with myself to fall out of love with you.

The stages of recovery

This isn’t just a waste of time, addictions have made me smarter
But you can’t be high all the time

I am happy. That doesn’t sound right or even really feel true but something about thinking about this fucked up unjust world we live in makes me think: “Shit, I really am happy”. Life is hard and I’m not really where I thought I would be or really where I want to be at all. Tragedy is all around me but when I think hard enough about laughing with my man and screaming catch phrases with my best friends I feel okay and really,thats what happiness is. Contentment. As humans, we want it to be more. We want it to be everlasting joy but joy only hits for a few seconds or if you catch me on a good night of drugged bliss, 4 hours. Happiness in the eyes of an adult is contentment. Thats all I could ever ask for and I have recieved it.

 

>>>Reporting back a few months later

This was all a lie. Happiness is more. You will find more than contentment, I promise. Don’t stop your search now. The sun just came up. You can seach better with the right lighting.

 

 

 

You set me on fire and I apologized for burning

Bless your fucked up soul

But I won’t ever do that again because this house I am building will be fireproof

You can’t set me on fire if you don’t know where I place myself

I am stronger than you could ever imagine and you can’t bring me down

You fell in love with the idea of using me because I could give you everything you needed

But it would never be what you wanted

Because some people are so broken

They only want love that will tear them down

My family

We have the bad bitch, the goofy one, the one that we joke about his moms pubes, the Asian, the conspiracy theorist, the awkward one, the tall one, the hippie, the one that has alternate personalities, the mean one that we all love, the drummer, the one that always has bad allergies, the Greek one, and me (I’d say the drunk obnoxious shit talker that always tells the truth)

We have all been through so much shit together. We hate each other more than siblings some days and some days we get together and rejoice in our friendship with each other. These people have destroyed and rebuilt my humanity in the same day. These people have seen me at my absolute worst and stood by my side every moment.

These humans aren’t my friends because if so I would be able to let them go. They’re my family because as much as I hate them one day,by the next day I realize I can’t get rid of them even if I wanted to. For the shit we’ve been through you would think we would have better coping skills but that’s not even a little true. Sometimes I think we feed off eachothers negativity but more often than not I think without each other some of us wouldn’t be alive. I guess this is just a thank you post to the people who’ve kept me alive for so long.

This is the shit I live for with the people I’d die for.

Boundaries

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

I am especially bad at making boundaries. I love people entirely way too much and always see the good in them. I don’t want to put myself first. I want the people that I know somewhere in their hearts have good intentions first. I’ve dated plenty of addicts and just mean people with this outlook. I’ve let people metaphorically run over me repeatedly with the same vehical that I literally picked them up in to give them a ride across town with. If you are someone that knows me well, you would say I have the fix a sick bird syndrome. I think I can save someone so I let them hurt me because well “they just don’t know what they’re doing”.

I have fought my whole life to abandon this outlook on life because I know that I DO need to take care of myself first even though I do not want to. I’ve been taking measures to get this way and I’ve learned something. When you go your whole life as a do-gooder to someone that respects themselves and makes boundaries to protect your mind, body and soul people will hate you for it. Maybe they don’t understand or grasp why youre doing this all of a sudden. It must be because you hate them.

I don’t REALLY hate anybody. I dislike some of you but for the most part I have a healthy heart that hasn’t been darkened. I am simply just choosing myself instead of you. I am choosing to wake up every morning in a good mood because I dont owe anyone but myself anything. I live my life on a seperate border as you and although they may intersect and we may be friends I do not owe you my full self. I do not wake up every morning with the thought that I must do these things my friends want from me or else I will have a horrible morning. I go to work for myself, I pay my bills for myself, and I live happily for myself.

I’m not a hateful person by any means. I have friends that I don’t mind doing favors for because I know they deserve it. That’s what friends are after all. That doesnt mean for you to expect me to do stuff for you all the time because “well what’s different now? You used to give me rides all the time.” Whats different is that I have learned to value myself in turn making me able to be a better person all together. I hope other people read this that have the fixing the wounded bird syndrome and learn that boundaries are mandatory for a better mind, body and soul.