To the friend I will never forget

and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could. Everyones caught on to everything you do.

It took me three months to get more close to you than people that have known each other for years. I saw all your flaws, scars, and strengths. Don’t ever think I’m exaggerating when I say I love you. When I say I adore you. I fell in love with everything you hated about yourself.

 

You were not too broken for me. Do not ever think that. You were just too toxic for me.You amazed me in a sense because I know how persuasive and manipulative I can be if I choose to be and you did it every day without even thinking twice about it. You were powerful almost like a goddess. You took your negative and turned it into demons. You created your own demons and you laughed as they lit everything around you on fire. You scared me how could do that with such assurance. I never gave up on you, I never will. I just distanced myself because of how similar we are. Sometimes I fantasize watching the world burn around me, although I chose a long time ago to change my negatives into motivation. Maybe I’m less corageous than you or maybe I believe in the balance of earth and don’t think I need my negatives to ruin me. You’re a beautiful mistreated soul and I pray to my gods one day you will heal. If it counts for anything you’re the type of girl people like me write about that no one really thinks exist.

The day that I stopped finding everything about you so damn mesmerizing

Your scars don’t mean anything to me anymore

It was a new day. Being techincal of course because it was exactly 1:17 AM when your eyes stopped sparkling so bright to me. There was no spectacular event that brought this to my attention. It was a regular night. Often something comes to my mind, flickers, and then shuts off. The thought is a day dream of being treated correctly. It feels like such a distant fantasy that someone could really care for me as much as I care for people.

 

@ 1:12 AM I realized your hands no longer radiate warm colors like burnt orange because they never held mine with passion to brand your fingerprints into mine.

@ 1:13 AM I discovered your freckles and scars weren’t an outline to a puzzle. They were just insignificant dots.

@ 1:14 AM I noticed your cheeks weren’t faintly pink from non-stop giggling because of how silly we could be with each other.

@ 1:15 AM I became aware that your jaw never dropped in awe as if you were curious of how someone could be so beautiful.

@ 1:16 AM I figured out your nails were never slightly overgrown because you spent too much time with me that you lost touch of reality.

@ 1:17 AM I made sense of why your eyes became so dim to me. It’s because I looked in the mirror and I found that my hands radiated warmth. My freckles and scars told stories that one day I could share with someone. My cheeks were always pink I always find a reason to laugh. My jaw dropped everyday because I look around and see how beautiful this chaotic world is. My nails were always overgrown because there are always more important issues at bay. In that moment, my eyes sparkled because I had to fall in love with myself to fall out of love with you.

The stages of recovery

This isn’t just a waste of time, addictions have made me smarter
But you can’t be high all the time

I am happy. That doesn’t sound right or even really feel true but something about thinking about this fucked up unjust world we live in makes me think: “Shit, I really am happy”. Life is hard and I’m not really where I thought I would be or really where I want to be at all. Tragedy is all around me but when I think hard enough about laughing with my man and screaming catch phrases with my best friends I feel okay and really,thats what happiness is. Contentment. As humans, we want it to be more. We want it to be everlasting joy but joy only hits for a few seconds or if you catch me on a good night of drugged bliss, 4 hours. Happiness in the eyes of an adult is contentment. Thats all I could ever ask for and I have recieved it.

 

>>>Reporting back a few months later

This was all a lie. Happiness is more. You will find more than contentment, I promise. Don’t stop your search now. The sun just came up. You can seach better with the right lighting.

 

 

 

You set me on fire and I apologized for burning

Bless your fucked up soul

But I won’t ever do that again because this house I am building will be fireproof

You can’t set me on fire if you don’t know where I place myself

I am stronger than you could ever imagine and you can’t bring me down

You fell in love with the idea of using me because I could give you everything you needed

But it would never be what you wanted

Because some people are so broken

They only want love that will tear them down

My family

We have the bad bitch, the goofy one, the one that we joke about his moms pubes, the Asian, the conspiracy theorist, the awkward one, the tall one, the hippie, the one that has alternate personalities, the mean one that we all love, the drummer, the one that always has bad allergies, the Greek one, and me (I’d say the drunk obnoxious shit talker that always tells the truth)

We have all been through so much shit together. We hate each other more than siblings some days and some days we get together and rejoice in our friendship with each other. These people have destroyed and rebuilt my humanity in the same day. These people have seen me at my absolute worst and stood by my side every moment.

These humans aren’t my friends because if so I would be able to let them go. They’re my family because as much as I hate them one day,by the next day I realize I can’t get rid of them even if I wanted to. For the shit we’ve been through you would think we would have better coping skills but that’s not even a little true. Sometimes I think we feed off eachothers negativity but more often than not I think without each other some of us wouldn’t be alive. I guess this is just a thank you post to the people who’ve kept me alive for so long.

This is the shit I live for with the people I’d die for.

Boundaries

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

I am especially bad at making boundaries. I love people entirely way too much and always see the good in them. I don’t want to put myself first. I want the people that I know somewhere in their hearts have good intentions first. I’ve dated plenty of addicts and just mean people with this outlook. I’ve let people metaphorically run over me repeatedly with the same vehical that I literally picked them up in to give them a ride across town with. If you are someone that knows me well, you would say I have the fix a sick bird syndrome. I think I can save someone so I let them hurt me because well “they just don’t know what they’re doing”.

I have fought my whole life to abandon this outlook on life because I know that I DO need to take care of myself first even though I do not want to. I’ve been taking measures to get this way and I’ve learned something. When you go your whole life as a do-gooder to someone that respects themselves and makes boundaries to protect your mind, body and soul people will hate you for it. Maybe they don’t understand or grasp why youre doing this all of a sudden. It must be because you hate them.

I don’t REALLY hate anybody. I dislike some of you but for the most part I have a healthy heart that hasn’t been darkened. I am simply just choosing myself instead of you. I am choosing to wake up every morning in a good mood because I dont owe anyone but myself anything. I live my life on a seperate border as you and although they may intersect and we may be friends I do not owe you my full self. I do not wake up every morning with the thought that I must do these things my friends want from me or else I will have a horrible morning. I go to work for myself, I pay my bills for myself, and I live happily for myself.

I’m not a hateful person by any means. I have friends that I don’t mind doing favors for because I know they deserve it. That’s what friends are after all. That doesnt mean for you to expect me to do stuff for you all the time because “well what’s different now? You used to give me rides all the time.” Whats different is that I have learned to value myself in turn making me able to be a better person all together. I hope other people read this that have the fixing the wounded bird syndrome and learn that boundaries are mandatory for a better mind, body and soul.

You’ll be okay again, you always are.

Something I have been struggling with the past few years is trying to figure out where I belong. Who loves me & who claims to love me when things are going positively for them. There’s been moments when I’ve seperated myself from the group of friends that I’ve called my family for quite some time now because I felt no one in that group really understood me or even cared to. It’s one of those times again. I can’t really seperate myself with the position that I am in this time. Feeling like no one is on your team or really cares is one of the worst feelings ever. 

My hearts broken right now because I lost someone that I considered a best friend. It stung like hell. Not really going to elaborate on what when why who or where because that’s not my point here. My point is maybe everyone feels like this sometimes. That they’re not valued or even recognized for who they are as a person. It’s not just me, I’ve always been aware of that. That doesn’t make it hurt less though. 
No one feels my pain, sadness, or anger exactly how I do. That’s when you realize you only got yourself. And it’s shit. Because you want them to know exactly what you feel. Even the people that really really love you and are by your side don’t quite get it. You have to feel it. You have to wake up with a variety of emotions. 
Just know that no matter what, put yourself first. Your mental health, your physical health, and your overall well-being first. I don’t care if you have a husband or a best friend that will always be by your side. You must take care of yourself and make your decisions based on you. But, still always keep in mind that EVERYONE feels that way sometimes. They feel they don’t belong. They’re not the same as everyone else. 

Stop comparing yourself and know that you’re loved. Even if it’s only your mama that tells you that you’re beautiful. You’re loved. Things will fade and you’ll be okay again. You always are. I always am.

Fancy watches, protein days, and getting them GAINS BRUH.

So today I felt like going to take some runs with my boyfriend who works at a pizza place as a delivery driver. I’m off work and well I just didn’t like him getting out of bed and the thought of sleeping in, alone. So I get up and go to work with him. 

We are your average early 20’s struggling financially couple. I mean we make our bills but we have low-paying jobs that are very mediocre. Shit, I’m working three jobs and still just have a little spending money. We are for sure not what you would call trust fund babies although I wish we were sometimes.  We see richness as the love we have for each other, the kindness we have in our hearts, and our ambition. 

So anyways, the first run of the day I go on with him my boyfriend walks into lifetime fitness for some dude that ordered pizza with lots of meat on it. Maybe it’s his protein day who knows?? The first thing my boyfriend sees is this man that walks down the stairs in his fancy suit with his Apple Watch on his wrist. This guy proceeds to take his 35 dollar order and not tip my boyfriend a single cent. Maybe all of his money went to his Apple Watch so he could have his health app. All I know is my boyfriend got back in the car very upset because we’re trying to make a living so we can be successful people one day and actually chase our dreams that we have. 

I proceed to tell him that this loser will probably never have love because he can’t tip low paid delivery drivers and my boyfriend makes the comment that at least he is rich in that aspect. I sit and think on that a moment. My love for this delivery driver that’s not just some average punk is beyond words. Our ambition to be successful people and move up in this shitty economy is radiating around us that it is so strong. We work our asses off at our barely paying jobs so that we can eventually own our own business and go back to college. 
All I really have to say is that when I’m sitting in my nice house with all my dreams coming true I’m going to tip that low wage driver well because I’ll never lose my morality and I’ll keep myself humble and I wish this post reminds people to show love even in the smallest ways, because it can make a big difference in someone’s life. 

May I be your protector?

Disclosure Statement: I have never and will never use a needle or heroin.

That’s what I thought I was signing up for the first time I saw you stick a needle in your vein. I remember in my ignorance that I googled a vein map for your arm because well, you’re a bigger dude and I really didn’t want you to miss and die right in front of me. I was naive that I didn’t realize what I was being. I was enabling you. I was enabling the downfall of your life right in front of my eyes and I didn’t know it. The millisecond that you told me you were using heroin, I should have told or done something, ANYTHING, to help. I didn’t though. My thought process was you were going to use anyways. I might as well make sure you don’t kill yourself while doing it. Be there so if something happens I can get you help right when it happened.

I’m sorry Paul for what I did. I wasn’t a friend.

You are my heart though. Somewhere along the way I learned. I learned that I had to cut you off and stay away from you. Then you told me one day “Silly, Kayla If I do die wouldn’t you have rather spent as much time with me as you could have then just remove me completely?” He was right. SO right. So I spent more time with him after he overdosed. He told us all he was going to stop, he did not. We expected that. Then it got worse. Worse than we had all expected. Everyday, ¬†multiple times a day because he wasn’t getting high anymore he just didn’t want to withdrawal.

You became someone that I couldn’t, still can’t lose. I begged for you in whatever shred of hope I had in a god that you wouldn’t keep doing this to everyone who loves you. To yourself. You always reassured as you weren’t too bad. Every call I got in the middle of the night I thought it was going to be a call telling me you were dead. You danced with the devil and were amused by every moment of it. As I sat here and bared it all on my shoulders. I felt every ounce of the weight of your pain on my shoulders. I was dealing with an addict boyfriend at the time too that I don’t need to go into detail about in this story.

You have done things to hurt me and the people around you that you love intentionally and unintentionally so many times. You were begging for your death; you are the only person I’ve ever met not scared of death at all. The first time I saw you use meth in front of our mutual friend who is a recovering meth addict I hated you. She hated you. I couldn’t let you go though. Even though she did for her better well being.

The point is I never gave up and that didn’t make a difference that I know of except with myself. What I do know is that you are three months sober whether that may be willingly or unwillingly I am proud of you and I love you. I can’t wait for the day I get to wrap my arms around you and never let go.

 

A letter I’ll probably never send

Luckily I have the person blocked everywhere so they couldn’t read this if I decide not to send (most likely)

You were my best friend. You ARE my best friend. I miss you with every part of my body. I can’t dare face you dealing with what you’re going through. Maybe I’m the weak one, because I can’t be around for it or maybe you’re the weak one for letting yourself go through it. Maybe I left because not only the stigma of your situation, but because through it I realized how unworthy I was to you. You’ve ALWAYS made me feel like less of a person our entire friendship.

But, I’m weak now. I miss you. We always had a special bond that no one could ever get in between but then you started denying our friendship to your boyfriend and that fucking hurt. I know that we are not our family but when your mom said such a horrible things to me it was as if she had been holding it in our whole friendship. My mom has never been the biggest fan of you either but she would NEVER say something like that to someone who is two times younger than her. She valued you because I valued you but she always reminded me to have some precaution.

I guess our friendship was cursed from the beginning because it hasn’t gone according to plan since the 7th grade. You have always made me feel less, since I remember. I just hope that somewhere on this narrow road you are taking you are making yourself feel like more. I finally learned to stand up for myself even though I want to come back to you begging for you back because there are certain things that I feel I need to tell you I can’t let you back in because I finally stood up for myself. Am I being prideful or I am being strong? I don’t fucking know. I wish I did. It would make me messaging you with an “I miss you. Come back” so much easier. BUT I can’t and I won’t. For now, at least.

I’ll end it on this, Thanks for being my best friend while you were. I experienced all my first with you and you held such an important part of making me grow into the adult I am now. Thanks for being someone to go through it with, but I’ve learned those people aren’t meant to stay all the time. They’re just there so you’re not alone while growing up and learning new things. I love you. I always have and I always will.