You were my hope but now all the hope I have is in watching the sun rise to remind me I am still alive
I’m happy right now. I get like that sometimes. Happy. For no god damn reason. It’s almost as if my body is trying to remind me that I am still alive. That I still have some remnant of hope and motivation in my exhausted body.
I stayed up watching Sons of Anarchy and time got away from me commonly how the consumer is to a machine. That’s all I did these days. Watch this show about a biker gang to keep my mind in the consistent loop to make sure from breaking and having to face reality. Weird mindless tricks to keep me alive. It’s 7 am or it’s gotta be sometime around then because the sun is breaking through the trees. I’m watching this sunrise and trying to capture this in my mind perfectly. That will never work so I took some real pictures, too.
Sometimes I hope these cigarettes will last forever. This moment is too good. Red hot chili peppers, a windy morning, and the sun rising over these trees and the treehouse so precisely that it could be painted. I wish I could paint. I would paint this view perfectly. Maybe I would even add me sitting here, smiling in contentment with this half lit cigarette in between my worn fingers.
This moment is perfectly imperfect and thats what I live for. If I could add sound with my picture just like the painted waterfall that used to make noise in my grandma’s living room I would play the distant airplane and the faint music that is inspiring me to be a better human being.
I often times have a love/hate relationship with this world I was thrown on without a manual, but right now in this exact moment I fucking love this shitty world I was born on.
Keep the blood in your head and your feet on the ground
I don’t know about you guys but when I was growing up I feared death from such a young age. It was a constant thought in my childhood. It has now extended into my adulthood. I am constantly thinking about death and not in the I want to kill myself sort-of way but in the way that I don’t quite understand it. No one does. I strive to understand it though. My thoughts about death are so in depth that my anxiety and panic attacks have centered around my fear of death. My whole childhood was filled with family members and friends dying. I deal with death in such a weird way compared to my peers because my first witness of a funeral was when I was 4 years old and it’s once of my youngest memories I have. This is my prologue to what I have to say about death.
Death is not only the last burden we have but the greatest. When you exit this world you are saying goodbye to LITERALLY your whole life. We all are aware of this but never really grasp it. When you say bye to your whole life, you’re saying bye to the people you love and the people that love you. You are saying goodbye to the people you met in a subway and touched their heart because they were having a horrible day and you gave them the seat and stood up. You are saying goodbye to the big and the little things you have done.
Imagine for one moment if death wasn’t a hard thing. It wasn’t hurtful for the people around you. Imagine that death is such a normal part of life that who ever created us would have made it a numbing feeling when someone dies. Do you think there would be more or less suicide? My personal thoughts are that there would be less suicide because coming from someone that has lost people through suicide and has studied it very much, I do not think that people kill themselves to hurt others BUT I do think they are missing a part of themselves that believes they are valued and only through death will others realize their value. They may even do this subconsciously. Just to get away from their everyday pains, I am NOT saying this is their main focus by any means.
It really fucks with my head that even when I die I will be letting someone down. Even when I am no longer existing I will still be a burden on the people whom love me. Instead of leaving the world on a good note with happiness. There will always be sadness around death for as long as it exist and unfortunately we can’t change that. So I guess maybe why I’ve always been such a forgiving person is because here’s the inevitable that everyone knows but always avoids. Everyone dies, no one escapes it. If you don’t love them and treat them with kindness their whole life, you will regret it later. It’s shit. So love with your whole heart and forgive even it seems impossible.
This story’s old but it goes on and on until you disappear.