The House That Built Me

My first college essay I ever wrote that I just found. Might as well share past writings that still strongly effect me.

Very similar to the song by the famous country singer Miranda Lambert “The House That Built Me”, memories often flood back to me of the house I was raised in. This place wasn’t just a house where an ordinary family lived. It was a house that had seen much variety of memories. Whether they be horrendous, long-lived, and soon forgotten or happy, short lived, and always remembered. The memories this house had seen were none like any other house had witnessed before. The heights of each child on the wall every year to the footprints on the driveway when new concrete was laid made the house remarkable and unordinary. The typical house has a common family who sees much of the same thing every day and lives their life in routine whereas my house was none like anything else anyone could imagine. To my family, this house was alive. This house brought my family to life. On Sunday, Breakfast was served in the midst of Johnny Cash and Hank Williams Sr. being played on the living room stereo. Unlike many children Sunday cleaning day was by far my favorite day of the week.

The place I grew up was not only a safe place to my immediate family. My house cared and catered for any and everyone. Aunts and uncles, cousins and friends moved in for short periods of times when they were facing minimal problems in their lives. There would be a list of at least eight people who were not immediate family that found peace and happiness in that house with us. If my old house did in fact have a memory of its own it would recall crowded Thanksgivings, long nights of math homework, and my parents drunk dancing to old country music. “I bet I can do a back flip from the trampoline into the pool” is something you could hear from my older brother if you unlocked the back gate that had grass growing over it and stepped into the backyard for just a brief period of time. If you fast-forwarded a few more years the house would remember the damage of my sister and brother’s first big bash when my parents left town.

My old house would not dare forget the bad memories that shaped my family either. Starting with my dad and I fighting about whether or not my aunt should stay in our house or the memory of when my first dog, Puggles, was buried alongside my first cat Blue under that old oak tree. recollection of my grandma’s last days spent in that back room are forever burnt into the memory of this house. Her laugh echoes throughout the hallways. Many sadness of death but even more happiness of life had been seen through the eyes of this place I called home. My sister moving on and moving out was the first real time my house had seen something so bittersweet. I cried because I would miss her but also because the memories we shared there could not be created new anywhere else.

I sometimes go back there to that ordinary street where a unique house was built and replay the memories through my head. My father once said, “Home is where your family is” and I can’t help but the think home is where the memories are. That house holds on to the remembrance of laughter and tears shed at the expense of my family.  The definition of unordinary to my family is the house that built us to be the people we have became in a house that became part of who we are.

Death is the last burden we have

Keep the blood in your head and your feet on the ground

I don’t know about you guys but when I was growing up I feared death from such a young age. It was a constant thought in my childhood. It has now extended into my adulthood. I am constantly thinking about death and not in the I want to kill myself sort-of way but in the way that I don’t quite understand it. No one does. I strive to understand it though. My thoughts about death are so in depth that my anxiety and panic attacks have centered around my fear of death. My whole childhood was filled with family members and friends dying. I deal with death in such a weird way compared to my peers because my first witness of a funeral was when I was 4 years old and it’s once of my youngest memories I have. This is my prologue to what I have to say about death. 

 

Death is not only the last burden we have but the greatest. When you exit this world you are saying goodbye to LITERALLY your whole life. We all are aware of this but never really grasp it. When you say bye to your whole life, you’re saying bye to the people you love and the people that love you. You are saying goodbye to the people you met in a subway and touched their heart because they were having a horrible day and you gave them the seat and stood up. You are saying goodbye to the big and the little things you have done.

Imagine for one moment if death wasn’t a hard thing. It wasn’t hurtful for the people around you. Imagine that death is such a normal part of life that  who ever created us would have made it a numbing feeling when someone dies. Do you think there would be more or less suicide? My personal thoughts are that there would be less suicide because coming from someone that has lost people through suicide and has studied it very much, I do not think that people kill themselves to hurt others BUT  I do think they are missing a part of themselves that believes they are valued and only through death will others realize their value. They may even do this subconsciously. Just to get away from their everyday pains, I am NOT saying this is their main focus by any means.

It really fucks with my head that even when I die I will be letting someone down. Even when I am no longer existing I will still be a burden on the people whom love me. Instead of leaving the world on a good note with happiness. There will always be sadness around death for as long as it exist and unfortunately we can’t change that. So I guess maybe why I’ve always been such a forgiving person is because here’s the inevitable that everyone knows but always avoids. Everyone dies, no one escapes it. If you don’t love them and treat them with kindness their whole life, you will regret it later. It’s shit. So love with your whole heart and forgive even it seems impossible.

 

 

This story’s old but it goes on and on until you disappear. 

 

 

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

This is the post excerpt.

Ladies:

STOP! Stop comparing yourself to the girls you see on the Internet or on TV. I’m guilty of this. I have my favorite Youtube star that I watch all her videos and adore all her outfit choices. I sit there loving her new CropTop that I know my body wouldn’t look as fabulous in. I sit there and judge myself and wishing I had a body like hers, money like her. It’s just NOT FAIR!! right?

Well of course it isnt, because that’s just how the world is! “Life isn’t fair” Who heard that one from a parent growing up? Well, you know what? No life isn’t fair but one thing I’ve learned is that I have things that Youtube star doesn’t have. I’m not bashing her she has great qualities (obviously; or there wouldn’t be a point for this article) but there are things I can love about myself too. Sit down and list the qualities you love about yourself. It feels corny but trust me I’ve had to do it plenty of times with my psychologist and it helps! I’ll do it so you’ll feel less lame:

  • I am firstly hilarious whether you agree or not, I laugh at my own jokes so HA!
  • I have chicken legs; still haven’t decided if its a blessing or a curse but I can fit in cute small shorts even if I have a tummy because of this!
  • I am an empath: and I never want to see my friends hurting and when I do I come forward to help. I feel for people’s situations and will do the even the simplest of things just to make someone’s day better.
  • I love kids! and that’s a hard task. They’re very much rascals sometimes.
  • I have big boobs. No one said I had to be PG or non-cocky, right?

 

These are just a few things I love about myself. No, I don’t like my tummy or how controlling I can be sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I can’t work on those things. Motivation to lose weight or become a better you is one of the hardest things to do. I’ve struggled with lack of motivation my whole life. Once you get it, Grab on to it and don’t ever let it go. My motivation comes in waves but I don’t want to ever let it go. I don’t know when it will be back. Stay positive my girlies, and love yourself. So cliche, but so true. If you don’t love yourself, who will?

standout